BDSM Etiquettes & Rules To Know

The word has a lovely expressive, dark, and vivid feeling attached to it whenever we consider our fantasies. “Dungeon” is a term frequently heard about in BDSM circles. Moreover, they behold dark and lovely, to some extent fairly creepy images in our fantasizing minds. 

But, in reality, a Dungeon is just a space allocated for and associated with any BDSM play. It can be your garage, your living room or bedroom; or even, it can be a temporary area in your home specially allocated for any kink play with some equipment either for a one-time party or a regular space. In fact, it's an area where everyone doesn't get freaky, but is relaxed, and cherishes and experiences their darkest fantasies. Basically, it can be structured in black and white or bright colors or it can just be a big warehouse room with play equipment and amenities in it. Depending on the partners or people interested in BDSM, kink play, it can either be very simple, consisting of whips, bondage ropes or paddles in a bedroom or it can be complex consisting a plethora of play stations, spanning across multiple rooms for different activities. Thus, to summarize, Dungeon equals BDSM play space.

THE “DON’TS”:

1. ​Don’t touch without asking: Even a hug without permission to someone unknown is a disastrous move, much less anything more intimate. If you see someone known and you have an existing relationship with them and if that includes hugging, then it's alright to proceed to hug. Otherwise, keep your hands to yourself unless you get the permission. 
2. Don’t touch anyone’s toys: It's always offensive and indecent to touch someone's toys without their consent and permission. Also, if you are unsure of a toy and how it's played with, ask the dungeon monitor or anyone monitoring the scenes.  
3. Don't invade others boundaries: Always give space to others to enjoy their scenes and respect their boundaries. If you are not involved in a scene, stand back and don't get too close and personal. It doesn't matter whether other parties are playing the scene correctly or doing something interesting. If you are not invited to the scene, don't interrupt. Also, there can be situations where you might find something interesting and would like to know more about that act, even then, never approach directly in the middle of their play to the respective parties. In these cases, it's better to wait for the intended parties to conclude their scene and approach them over a coffee table. Also, if whips or floggers are being thrown, go around! Don’t complain if you get hit because you walked through someone’s scene.  
4. No means no: If the other party is not confident in playing a specific scene like blood play, needle play, fire play etc., and has not given permission, it should never be included. Also, if there are no acts of sexual intercourses mentioned beforehand, never indulge in something like that.
5. No recordings and photography: Unless permitted by the dungeon administration or the monitor. It's highly suggested that you shouldn't carry any recording instruments or cameras in the playground because photography is at the discretion of the management. In all cases, ask first.  
6. Don't interrupt other's play: If you think that a group or a scene should be interrupted on grounds of safety during any edge play, never interrupt on your own. Instead, ask the dungeon master or the monitor or the administration to do the needful.
7. Don't lose your temper and sense of humor: Always have a sense of humor and leave your drama at home. If you find yourself in the midst of nowhere, refrain yourself from continuing in any play using the safe words. But, never lose your temper and yell at or abuse someone. And obviously, don't lose your temper to the extent that you are later attended by law enforcement professionals.
8. Don't forget the safe words: This is of utmost importance irrespective of your role in any act.  
9. Don't be shy to use first aid: See the dungeon master or any supervisor immediately if you need immediate medical assistance.

​THE TO-DO CHECKLIST:

1. ​Read the guidelines and rulebook beforehand: All BDSM parties, whether it's a group party or just between two partners, they have hardcoded guidelines and rules of conduct written on paper. This is imperative to any dungeon. Moreover, public parties generally have guidelines typed up for the participants that they need to read and sign. Obviously, this also covers the management or the authorities organizing the party. But, most participants irrespective of their roles in an act don’t bother to read the code of conduct and disclaimers. Even if they do, they just brush their eyes over the papers missing the critical and intricate details and turn on the pages, always in a hurry to sign the documents and return them to the concerned authority. This is a bad idea. A lot of participants are always escorted out of any BDSM party for their ignorance about the code of conducts or they have no idea if they exist at all. Therefore, it's essential for any participant to thoroughly read any contract or rule book papers before entering a BDSM party. It’s in their best interest to be loud and clear on what to do, what not to do, how to do, what's acceptable and what are the hard limits etc. This is not only for safety reasons, but also for social reasons. We all say “First impression is the last impression”. And, certainly none of us would ever want to have a bad impression the very first day we attend a BDSM party. Yes, stuff happens, but if you are aware of the rules and code of conduct, you can not only preserve your reputation but also prevent yourself from getting blocked from the dungeon. Hence, take your own time, read the guidelines, code of conduct, papers etc. If you are in doubt at any point, never hesitate to ask. The more information you have, the better are your chances to enjoy the show.
2. Ask about any intoxicants, if they are provided to the participants: While most BDSM parties have strict “no alcohol or drugs” rules, some can relax these rules a little for as long as the participants lose their control like getting intoxicated or dunk in any way. However, irrespective of the drugs and alcohol rules, it's essential to know about these policies before attending the party. Also, always keep in mind that if you decide to have a glass of alcohol, or have any drugs of any kind, it can affect your senses stronger and much faster while you're in the party. Consequently, the energy of the party will be high, intense and infectious to some extent. So, if you add up any chores or improvise a scene, you are going to get hit harder than usual. In most cases, participants refrain themselves from playing with their fellow participants who are drunk or intoxicated in any way. This is also referred to as “hard limit” and often non-negotiable. However, beginners or first-time attendees often like to have a glass of wine to relax and then get to start. But it's also suggested that you should not overdo yourself to some extent where you have lost control of your senses, especially in scenarios of “a high kinky party”. It's always safe and sane to be conservative about drugs and alcohol while attending parties.
3. Cleaning and hygiene: This is in reference mostly to the equipment and furniture you are using for a scene. However, it is also advisable that you clean your toys. In most cases, involving partners take care of the toys and clean them before starting any scene and leaving the dungeon. Also, ensure that the items of furniture are cleaned before you play as well as after you’re done. However, some people may argue regarding the toys and furniture saying, “But I’m the first one to use it, so why to clean it first?” Yes, while you may be the first one to play on the furniture or use any toy at that party – you have no idea what happened with the toys or on the furniture the night before, or even before the party started; especially, in cases, if you are attending a dungeon that offers pro sessions. Also, you have no idea whether someone else cleaned the items of furniture or the toys the previous night after the party ended. And, even if they did, did they do that correctly, or more specifically did they do that hygienically. Besides, you don't want to be infected by any STDs just to fulfill your fantasies. So, cleanliness is next to godliness.
4. Clean up yourself after the party or an act: There are usually cleaning supplies near any play equipment or cleaning amenities at the dungeon. Thus, you can clean up any stray sweat, saliva or other body fluids after you’re done with the toys and the acts. If you’re unsure of the facilities at the dungeon, it's best suggested that you bring your own towel or cleaning kit like some sanitizing wipes, soaps or liquids and/or a hand towel that can be really handy. Also make sure that you never let your body fluids straying on the floor or on the furniture after the scene. At least, have the decency to clean up your mess with a tissue paper.
5. Respecting Space: All participants and attendees at a kink party in a dungeon should be aware of their closeness to people who are involved in a scene. Although some dungeons have markings of roped off areas, tape or markings on the floor to demark properly the playing area of a scene, it's not always the case. Thus, for your safety and others, you should not be too close to other participants in a way that your presence impacts their play, like tripping over cords or ropes or stepping into their playing area. This would definitely distract the players. As BDSM scenes can be intimate and very intense, distracting the participants in the play can ruin their feelings and erotic experiences. Besides, during any impact play, it's also dangerous to be too close to the participants as it can harm the players and invade their boundaries.
6. Confidentiality: This is of utmost importance for any BDSM party and maintaining it can be trickier. Many people, for a variety of reasons, do not want their kinkier sides to be discussed in a non-kinkier environment. Conversely, your kinkier side may not always be welcomed in any non-kinkier environment. As for example, if you see your office colleague at a kink party, never indulge in discussions related to office stuff at the kink party or never discuss his/her presence at the party in your office or shout out about the kink party in your office. That's really naive attitude. There can also be circumstances where you stumble upon a playmate from a kink party at the supermarket or catch an eye on him/her in a restaurant. Never, ever mention or ask anything about the party in these non-kinkier environments. Also, while talking to someone about any scene or exchanging notes about the scene, never be too loud so that others can hear your views. Moreover, never reference to any participant based on their color, race or religion or body marks such as tattoos, piercings etc. A general view of Mr X or Mr Y or Ms X or Ms Y can be used instead. What happens at parties stays at parties, period. Don’t bring up the week's assignment to your English Lit professor over the spanking bench. Some people keep their “real world” identities separate from their kink personas and hearing their profession or lawn issues mentioned might spoil their mood, or worse. Some people don’t want people in the community to know what they do in their daily lives.

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So, you follow all the rules, politely ask people to keep it down, etc. Great! What happens, however, when you need assistance or others need help? As, for example, a bottom may call red and you don’t see the Top stopping or perhaps someone seems like they are in extreme distress to you. This can happen in cases when you’re a newbie to the scene and public play – you may be reading the scene wrong. This is a good time to express your concern to a DM (Dungeon Monitor). DMs have typically been trained to assess scenes and situations in the club. They are usually easily identified via an armband, sash, or badge. Another time you should get a DM or the party host is when you are having a personal issue with someone. If you have politely asked someone to decrease their volume or give you more space and they repeatedly ignore your requests – ask for assistance. It’s not your job to personally take on someone being rude or unruly. Moreover, stinky is not sexy!! Come to the party clean, use deodorant, brush your teeth. Overall – be aware, be respectful and if you don’t know, ask. These tips will get you far and a more pleasant party experience for everyone!!